Скачать карту Герои 3: Ultimate Satire (Heroes 3)

Слухи

Fagget

Romors are that the guy north-east is Gay.
Rapper

Rumors are that the ugly dude down south wants to be a rapper.
Britney

People are saying that Britney spears is up north and comming to abng everyone!
Metal

Rumors are that the guy down south is into to heavy metal... Who really cares about that? Why the fuck did anyone spread this rumor? We all know it! You don't have to keep reminding us. The new rumors will be that the guy who spread this rumor will be beaten to death!
More shit

Rumors are that you are an asshole!
Phoenixes

Rumors are that the underground is the Harem for Firebirds and Phoenixes... That's really disgusting...

События

Note from your author! If I were you, I'd read it!

Important notice: This map is strictly made for people over 16 and probably over that in fact (especially if your not from my country, Brazil... here its no problem, but in the USA this will probably be rated R). It does not contain pornography. It does contain bad language and reference to sex and stuff. If you are underage I strongly advise you stop playing it now, or if your parents find out they will whip your ass. If you get caught playing this map, you don't know me and never saw me before. Waz'up!? This is a shitty note from the author of this fucking map, if you really think its useless bullshit just pass it on, but there might be some cool stuff to read here! Just gimme a chance to clarify myself! Well, first, this is the very first map I have ever made and what the hell, I think it looks cool... it's probably gonna be the last map I'll ever make because it gave me a heck of a lot of work. I even had to quit school to do it. As you might already have noticed this map is a satire of ordinary stuff and artists. I focused on making fun of American society (specially the one portrayed by movies) and Artists, its funnier that way for people of all countries playing this game. It might look really awkward but I think my satire makes sense and fits in with Heroes of Might and Magic III. Now, in relationship to Heroes, well, this is the type of map which favors the development and usage of level 7 onward creatures. I did this cause I think these creatures are cooler, plus it makes the game harder. If you check you Hut of the Magi you will probably see some surprises in the center land. You may think this map is crappy because it has a simple layout but it isn't, it favors rapid development of individuals but prolongated fighting amongst heroes. Plus, you will probably notice that it's kind of hard to obtain Water Walking and Summon Boat spells. And you will probably notice that the map is basically focused on that! About the spelling and typos, I'm really sorry, the texts probably suck because I was kind of eager to finish this map because I thought the idea of it was really cool so I never checked my spelling. Yeah, dickhead, laugh it off... it probably sucks even in this text... but you think its easy!? What the hell, if I ever check the spelling I'll be sure to post a version 2 of this map! I just hope that who ever plays this map really enjoys it and passes it on to your friend. It's not really the best map, but its funny as hell! Depends on who you choose also, the faggot, the whore, the freak or the nerd. Anyway, enjoy... and just so you don't think I'm mean I'll give you a head start for developing. You'll probably notice that I'll fuck you up afterwards! Your author: PJ
News

Your Scouts report that there isn't anything to report.
News

Your scouts report that there is nothing interesting to report but they found a cool place to make out by the pond.
News

Your scouts report that you are gay.
News

Your scouts report that you're a geek.
News

Your scouts report that you're a whore.
News

Your scouts report that you're ugly.
Scout Hunting Season

As from this day on the offical scout hunting season has begun. It's time to kill all your scouts cause they've been abusing of your good will. From now on, these stupid scout reports won't appear anymore... ok, you won't quite know what's going on in the game (because the author has probably told you anyway) but the scouts won't mock you anymore.
Phoenixes vs Dragons

Big news broke out a while ago and seemed to arrive at you only now. It seems as if Phoenixes declared war on Dragons in center land (that's the center of the map moron!). The rumors say they did this for some sexual problem... what do you care, it's their problem... but they are rapidly multiplying, as their reproducing power is much greater than of the dragons, and have already dominated the underground and left the only refuge to Dragons on earth where they haven't yet had a chance to beat them... Who's side are you going to take??? The Birds or the Dragons? It lies on the hands of the heroes to determine who will win this war! But don't get distracted with it and leave your guard open or your enemies will fuck you (literaly)!

Объекты

Башня
- 103, 6 подземелье
- Название: San Francisco
- Название: Fag
- Сообщение: Knowing that you have decided to show you're real sexuality, Giants decide to do the same.
- Название: Homo
- Сообщение: Bornay is one the members of the traditional family of Clovis Bornay, which is famous for its homosexualism. After losing physical interest in his wife, he decided to buy cheap porn magazines to reanimate his sexual life. After a while he noticed that he got more interested in seeing a penis than hooters. After getting kicked out of his own home by his wife he decided to reaaaally test his sexuality in open air. Was he a real man? Or an old fagget? Beating up some people will probably help himself prove how macho he is a real man. But then again, those bodybuilders are normally all fags! And this jiu-jitsu stuff of falling to the floor with a man suggests other interpretations. What the heck! You are magician, you don't have to go physical... unless the guy is really hot and stuff... Maybe it will just be easier if decide to admit you're gay! But it will be cool kicking some ass for while to get off the tension created by the old lady. Maybe you will even find a boyfriend. Other than that there are problems everywhere... The guy down south is a Nerd who looks like Michael Jackson but thinks he is a Heavy Metal God. On the west, is Britney... well, besides the fact she is comming to bang everyone you are with some conflicts with women so, its better to beat the crap out of her. South-west, is an ugly guy with serious comlplex... Well, your out to fight for homosexualism, and they also have their own reasons... just don't get screwed! (or do, if you really are gay)
- Название: Seer
- Сообщение: The seer down south wants to give you a gift for a task. He might be interested in you, why don't you take a look.
- Название: Assume it!
- Сообщение: You are really giving some thought in admitin your homosexualism, but your man pride does not allow you to... that is, what is left of it... cause you been fucked so much it looks like you manhood has been drained. Its only been a couple a weeks and these Giants already have been giving you a hard time... can't these guys at least use vaseline?
- Название: Standing up
- Сообщение: So what you said it! Yes, You're gay... You're a faggot! You're the Queen of all fags... the Gaylord! Who gives a damn!? You like taking it from behind why should they care?
- Название: Shit
- Сообщение: Well, now your wife left you, your son is feeling humiliated at school, your friend don't talk to you anymore and the women are starting to talk about their personal lives with you! This really sucks... Faggots lives really suck! Especially in this fucking century where they haven't invented freedom of speech and shit like that (worst, this isn't even USA! The so said land of the free! You should move to Holland). The guys at the tavern barely let you in... and these 5th century ideals are really negative for fags! Some people at your castle hate you now! Others have taken your iniciative and the number of fags in your kingdom are now growing! This is great... but on the other hand you're totally screwed emotionally and psycologically as your family, friends and women hate you! Because of your iniative things changed a bit this week! You lost some gold because revolted people stopped working, but on the other hand Mages have decided to stand up for themselves.
Цитадель
- 7, 84 подземелье
- Название: Link to ugly
Башня
- 99, 25 подземелье
- Название: GLS Club
Бастион
- 96, 83 подземелье
- Название: Nerd's Hideout
Бастион
- 103, 104 подземелье
- Название: Geek's Hideout
- Название: Heavy Metal
- Сообщение: Knowing that you decided to form a band Dragons decide to join as mascots.
- Название: Heavy Metal Manic or Geek?
- Сообщение: Michael always wanted to be just like the guys in Kiss. His friends always told him that he looked more like Micheal Jackson after his 99th surgery (that is why his nickname now is Michael). Pissed off with his friends he now decides to fight for himself and prove to them that is not a child-fuckin-fag which sings pop music! But that he is a heavy metal maniac! (he even has his own band). The problem is, people think that those who like heavy metal are geeks and nerds, who like studying, RPG and Heroes of Might and Magic III. Now Michael, has to prove himself! You got really tired of being beat the crap by 'cool and popular guys' at your highschool. Now you got to prove that you are much more than just a regular nerd from a banal American tv show or movie on teenagers, where there are a bunch of people in their mid 20s pretending to be teenagers. And big hootered girls who strip everytime in the movie... if they did that with 16 year old, there would be a lot of people in jail. Anyway, there guys everywhere wanting a piece of you! The guy up north is a fag. Kill him! West is an ugly dude who will probably try to bully you. This is a chance of revenge from these assholes. North-west is britney! No coments... she is just the queen of bad music. SHE MUST BE ANNIHILATED! All of this seem to be a result of guy who listened to too much death metal and watched too much TV. Therefore too much games and Tv can alter a persons mind. This is a great case for suing someone. Heads might roll if starting killing everyone because your violence will reflect the mind of a person who was affcted by too much TV and Heroes. Well anyway this is a case for lawyers... KILL'EM ALL! METAL IS WAR!
- Название: Problems
- Сообщение: After finding a guy from your school who bullied you, you kicked his ass, ripped his head off and sent it to his friends... nice fun... Next thing you will be doing is drinking blood like those guys in Kiss... YOU SICKO!
- Название: Equipment
- Сообщение: You had some problem with your equipment at home and because of your sucky computer at home you can't play Armagedon's Balde anymore... It's time you get a new computer.
Замок
- 4, 5 подземелье
- Название: Whorehouse
- Название: Ninfomaniacs
- Сообщение: Knowing that you've been banging everyone some Angel-Bodybuilders decide to join the party.
- Название: Breast
- Сообщение: 20 days have gone since you started your quest and you still haven't found the ultimate fuck! It's time you start digging deeper... it's also time for a new breast surgery (silicon implant). You now envy Pamela Lee!
- Название: Britney Spears!
- Сообщение: After her failure on the album OOPS! Here comes shit again, because of her fourth silicon implant, which by American law rated her album to PG-13 (because it stimulated little children to put silicon tits also... you know how that shit works!) made it's sale's really low, Britney Spears decided to admit that she wasn't a virgin since she was 11. After the shock that this caused on all her boyfriends, they decided to break up with her because they said that it was not only about sex. She then decided to take up doing what she loves the most
- Название: Success
- Сообщение: You're breast surgery was a success. You've already banged more people in the last hour!
- Название: Falling
- Сообщение: You silicon seems to be falling off. Your boob is kind of hanging and strtinting to rip... rip... well its a goner! OOOH! How you hate Bay Watch! How do they manage it???
- Название: Emergency
- Сообщение: Emergency acts call for emergency measures! You decide to have a new breast surgery! No way you're gonna be boobless, it won't help you bang anyone!
- Название: Helmet
- Сообщение: You still don't understand what the hell is that helmet doing on your head... Where did it come from? That is not Britney Spears style... Oh! You found a dime...
Замок
- 20, 24 подземелье
- Название: Harem
Чародей
- 103, 7 подземелье
- Название: Bornay
- Биография: Bornay is one the members of the traditional family of Clovis Bornay, which is famous for its homosexualism. After losing physical interest in his wife, he decided to buy cheap porn magazines to reanimate his sexual life. After a while he noticed that he got more interested in seeing a penis than hooters. After getting kicked out of his own home by his wife he decided to reaaaally test his sexuality in open air. Was he a real man? Or an old fagget?
Варвар
- 4, 106 подземелье
- Биография: After finding that someone had secretly placed your picture in ugly.com you decide to kick some ass aroun town. You are quite unsure who was it, but due to your imbecility you believe that if kick everyones ass it will be alright. The hard part will be proving everyone that you're actually not that ugly. Maybe a plastic surgeon will do the trick...
Рыцарь
- 4, 6 подземелье
- Название: Britney
- Биография: After her failure on the album OOPS! Here comes shit again, because of her fourth silicon implant, which by American law rated her album to PG-13 (because it stimulated little children to put silicon tits also... you know how that shit works!) made it's sale's really low, Britney Spears decided to admit that she wasn't a virgin since she was 11. After the shock that this caused on all her boyfriends, they decided to break up with her because they said that it was not only about sex. She then decided to take up doing what she loves the most
Рейнджер
- 103, 105 подземелье
- Название: Michael
- Биография: Micheal always wanted to be just like the guys in Kiss. His friends always told him that he looked more like Micheal Jackson after his 99th surgery (that is why his nickname now is Micheal). Pissed off with his friends he now decides to fight for himself and prove to them that is not a child-fuckin-fag which sings pop music! But that he is a heavy metal maniac! (he even has his own band). The problem is, people think that those who like heavy metal are geeks and nerds, who like studying, RPG and Heroes of Might and Magic III. Now Micheal, has to prove himself!
Архангел
- 21, 35 подземелье
- Сообщение: Up for sadomasoquism? Then come hurt me a little!
Событие
- 4, 7 подземелье
- Сообщение: Your last boyfriend to leave probably dropped this on his way out!
Хижина предсказателя
- 16, 34 подземелье
- Сообщение: I was once rich and famous, but Bornay the terrible was my downfall. I lost my lands, I lost my title, and I lost my manhood. Please, kick his ass (softly, or he might like it)... and rid the world from homosexualism! You will be rewarded with the Spellbinder's Hat... a great prize, for a small deed.
Событие
- 7, 29 подземелье
- Сообщение: You notice an awful lot of flower in the region. It reminds you of the ones you planted with you're boyfriend (one of them)... which one was him again? It was probably your mom's gardner... You know, one those teenager who mow your lawn... EURCH! You pedophile! The kid was like 12. Just cause of that God punishes you! That is a sin you idiot!
Событие
- 1, 11 подземелье
- Сообщение: You can feel the scent of men!
Событие
- 20, 2 подземелье
- Сообщение: e along you hear men saying! C'mon guys, Britney has come to fuck us all.
Событие
- 32, 12 подземелье
- Сообщение: As you come near the men pull out their swords. What big swords they have!
Колония
- 56, 80 подземелье
- Название: Mating Palace
- Название: Rebellion
- Сообщение: Phoenixes are unsure of joining your army because they believe that you're supporting Dragons. They are attempting to reduce your power of purchasing fellow Pheonixes.
Хижина предсказателя
- 105, 18 подземелье
- Сообщение: He hasn't a real metal heart! His band is a disgrace to metal and he looks more like Micheal Jackson after a couple surgeries than to Paul Stanley. Besides he's a Geek... he wants to be the new Chilli Peppers... all this Geek does is play Heroes of Might and Magic III and go to porn sites! He thinks he's strong... kick his ass and you will be rewarded with an important artifact.
Титан
- 85, 28 подземелье
- Сообщение: Spank me hot stud!
Титан
- 72, 8 подземелье
- Сообщение: Take me... look I've been working out... check my large metal chest!
Гигант
- 101, 36 подземелье
- Сообщение: You think I'm Giant just in name? Come check it out!
Хижина предсказателя
- 103, 78 подземелье
- Сообщение: I know you have problems cause you think your a Geek and you don't want to be bullied, Mr. Jackso... I mean Michael, but there is this very ugly guy who lives west of you... well, this is really funny, cause | was like, one of the guys who posted his picture on ugly.com (by the way, you should check there, cause yours might be in it too, ner... I mean, Mr. Michael). Well, now he is after me and you gotta kill him for me or he'll kick my ass. In return I'll give you the boots that allow you to walk across water, as you might know they are very valuable in this scenario.
Снайпер
- 93, 89 подземелье
- Сообщение: You think you're a man, geek? Prove us!
Пикси
- 96, 8 подземелье
- Сообщение: Hey old man, do you think you still got it? Or are you comletely gay now? You are in doubt if you should or not put your old stick to work... Specially with women...You are at the peak of your sexual identity crisis... But what the heck, they want to join you, you might as well give it a chance! Something about these Sprites remind you of Bay Watch... It's probably the silicon implant...
Событие
- 103, 9 подземелье
- Сообщение: Some boys shout at you
Событие
- 80, 5 подземелье
- Сообщение: You're so gay that even scholar turn you on! They say that its bad luck!
Событие
- 91, 23 подземелье
- Сообщение: People are afraid of your homosexuality... it's something that people from medieval times didn't understand... they thought it was like a disease! It's not like this fucking 21st century liberal mind... Anyway, they wanna kick your ass!
Событие
- 85, 102 подземелье
- Сообщение: These flowers are so gay they make you happy!
Событие
- 99, 6 подземелье
- Сообщение: Gremlins are not that gay... but they're friendly!
Событие
- 90, 8 подземелье
- Сообщение: These gargoyles are really gay hatting!
Событие
- 96, 20 подземелье
- Сообщение: Mage are not suppose to be homosexuals... but the rumors are that they are joining you because they have tendencies... It might be luck or just good spirits, you don't know, but it turns you on!
Событие
- 97, 85 подземелье
- Сообщение: The big bullies from high school decide to kick your ass cause they still remember how geek you were. Just because you're into heavy metal it doesn't mean that you 'cool'.
Событие
- 93, 106 подземелье
- Сообщение: You heard that Centaurs also have problems of their own... They were also bullied by Centaur Captains just because their dick is shorter!
Архангел
- 4, 43 подземелье
- Сообщение: Check out our big breats... and our abdomen! So sexy!
Ангел
- 39, 7 подземелье
- Сообщение: C'mon Britney! We know you want to bang us!
Событие
- 55, 81 подземелье
- Сообщение: As you approach the castle you get shocked! It looks like some sicko birds breeding nest.
Событие
- 83, 106 подземелье
- Сообщение: An arena... how you dream to play your heavy metal in an arena! You wanna be famous... The first ranger to play heavy metal! YEEEAHH!
Хижина предсказателя
- 12, 86 подземелье
- Сообщение: I can't stand Britney! Her music anoys me! Plus the fact that I'm not into women that much cause I'm too old and as they haven't invented Viagra yet, I can't do much... Kill her, and you will get the book that cointains all water spells. This is useful tool in a map which walking on water or summoning boats isn't allowed.
Событие
- 26, 81 подземелье
- Сообщение: The author of this map decided to make fun of you, therefore he not only lowered your morale but also your luck... . . . . . . . . . Oh... uuuhm, he also decided to attack you, just so you get a taste of what his map is really like!
Событие
- 26, 39 подземелье
- Сообщение: The author of this map decided to make fun of you, therefore he not only lowered your morale but also your luck... . . . . . . . . . Oh... uuuhm, he also decided to attack you, just so you get a taste of what his map is really like!
Событие
- 79, 81 подземелье
- Сообщение: The author of this map decided to make fun of you, therefore he not only lowered your morale but also your luck... . . . . . . . . . Oh... uuuhm, he also decided to attack you, just so you get a taste of what his map is really like!
Событие
- 82, 32 подземелье
- Сообщение: The author of this map decided to make fun of you, therefore he not only lowered your morale but also your luck... . . . . . . . . . Oh... uuuhm, he also decided to attack you, just so you get a taste of what his map is really like!
Событие
- 102, 106 подземелье
- Сообщение: A geek's life is really tough... You are finally getting out of your home... Do you think you can do it without your mommy???
Событие
- 84, 86 подземелье
- Сообщение: Thinking of some bands like Angra, Edguy, you notice that their members look sort of gay. Even your idol, Paul Stanley is kinf of gay. You start having doubts about forming a band... will you also have to look gay?
Событие
- 4, 98 подземелье
- Сообщение: As you start to walk you notice that nature is in fact beautiful, but it looks as if the land you live reflects you... If you lived in a Castle for example you would see beautiful trees... Shit that suck... it makes you emotional.. your men can't see you like that or else...
Событие
- 27, 97 подземелье
- Сообщение: You find a mirror on the ground... when you look at it, it breaks. That's seven years bad luck to you ugly!
Событие
- 8, 85 подземелье
- Сообщение: Approching a new town, some guys step out to invite to participate in a freak show! Your kill them quickly and decide that you must have that town to destroy idiots such as those!
Событие
- 18, 89 подземелье
- Сообщение: Someone stopped you to call attention to the fact that your are very ugly... When you look at their faces you notice... how ironic!
Цитадель
- 4, 105 подземелье
- Название: www.ugly.com
- Название: Ugly
- Сообщение: Due their like ugliness, and wanting to help you to fight back yours, Behemoths decide to join your cause.
- Название: Uglyness
- Сообщение: After finding that someone had secretly placed your picture in ugly.com you decide to kick some ass aroun town. You are quite unsure who was it, but due to your imbecility you believe that if kick everyones ass it will be alright. The hard part will be proving everyone that you're actually not that ugly. Maybe a plastic surgeon will do the trick... Your Barbarian skill have helped you decide to stand up for yourself and to beat everyone up until you find the responsible for this joke. But you also found out that there are other with their own intentions on the map. North of you is Britney Spears... she swore she was gonna bang everyone... (as if she didn't, this might be a chance for you to get laid with a woman who isn't a whore... wait a second she is also a hore! North-east, lives a faggot who wants to rules everyones ass (literarly). And east of you lives a geek who is still virgin but thinks heavy metal will bring ghim chicks.
- Название: Surgery
- Сообщение: Plastic surgery has been revolutionating the era! It's a good idea to try it out... Why not it will rid you of your ugliness and it will probably get you a girlfriend... at least a date... anyone a little less ugly that you can do it. The only problem is if you kind of end up looking like one of those people who have this kind of streched face because of too many plastic surgeries. Just like Michael Jackson (east). Its horrifying... becoming more ugly! You're already ugly enough... But there are some good doctors, which might make a good job... What the hell, why not... you cannot get any uglier... you're already in www.ugly.com!
- Название: Result
- Сообщение: You look at the mirror the first time without bandages. Your face looks awful... this surgery has made you look even worse than before. You get an old picture to compare it... that's whne you realize that you actually look just like before but they took you mole off... Damn! To trust on these surgeons... You immediately send some troops to kill him! But how stupis you were in trusting it! What the hell!? What were you thinking? It's still medieval era, they haven't even invented laser, how the hell could a plastic surgeon do sometihing to make you look better than you were!? All they know how to do is make people look like Sigone Weaver (I don't know how to spell it) in Alien... C'mon you gotta admit it, even you thing she's pretty, she looks creepier than the alien. Especially in this new movie, resurection... I'm not bias, its just that she freaks me out! If was to get in that spaceship in the end of the movie I would say Nope, I'm staying behind. I prefer the alien... Just for the sake of it you checked www.ugly.com and your picture was updated... the people playing the prank must be somewhere near...
- Название: Rap
- Сообщение: You don't understand quite well why the hell everyone is saying you are gonna be a rapper... you're not black and you don't look like Eminem (even he is prettier than you). You do listen to it, but you think Mariah Carey is much cooler (Ha! what an asshole!) ...
Колония
- 52, 71 суша
- Название: Asshole
- Название: Pheonix
- Сообщение: Assuming a tremendous hate for dragons, Pheonixes start to Grow underground.
Тюрьма
- 35, 5 суша
- Название: Drake
- Биография: Drake and his dragon followers are beat up, raped and locked up in this prison. They are not quite sure who the hell was it that did this to them.
Указатель
- 19, 57 суша
- Сообщение: Yo! Moron! Before following the spiral why don't you take a look here first!?
Указатель
- 21, 9 суша
- Сообщение: You probably feel like a moron to have wasted your magic points to get overhere. At least check out the cartographer over here... IDIOT!
Архангел
- 34, 10 суша
- Сообщение: You will regret it!
Волшебный свиток
- 33, 10 суша
- Сообщение: I'm tell ya, it wasn't worth the trouble!
Титан
- 33, 11 суша
- Сообщение: Don't do it...
Золото
- 39, 65 суша
- Сообщение: You realize that it is actually a big pile of gold!
Древнее чудище
- 32, 10 суша
- Сообщение: It's your last chance!
Золотой дракон
- 33, 9 суша
- Сообщение: It's not worth the trouble!
Феникс
- 36, 6 суша
- Сообщение: Yeah! We'll fuck you just like we did to those dragons! But You will not get what we stole from them!
Волшебный свиток
- 47, 2 суша
- Сообщение: You see a bit of paper. And several Phoenixes... Are you up to it?
Страж задания
- 100, 16 суша
- Сообщение: To enter th kingdom of Phoenixes they ask you to prove that you are not at all Cooperating with the Dragons. Therefore, you must hand in the two items which denounce your assistance.
Феникс
- 3, 39 суша
- Сообщение: We'll fuck you just like we did to those dragons!

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